Thinking…

​The end of an year makes one think. There is no doubt on that. I have been thinking about the past, of the present and the future to be. Deciding what I need to bring back to myself from the past, what I need to keep from the present and change/remove from the future. The thinking has been on who I am!

Who we are cannot be described in a few words. Who we are is a lifetime of existence, filled with experiences that shapes and moulds us as we go along on this journey of life. That is why whenever I get asked the question, ‘Can you describe yourself in a few words?’ I freeze. How am I to describe the whole of “ME” in a few words?? The whole of me is made up of a lifetime of experiences. How do you pick which parts define you when they all do? 

Who am I…a daughter, a sister, a niece, a grandchild. I am also a girlfriend, friend, shoulder, listener, advisor. A rebel, a heartbreaker, a heart mender, compassion and love. Cold hearted, a angel, a devil, nice and nasty. Patient and impatient, hateful, hurtful, hurting and kind. Dark and light, confident and selfless, yet also selfish and lacking self-worth. A worker, a dreamer, an accountant, a writer, a bore and fun and I can go on!

The point I am trying to make is. There really is no point putting ourselves in a box, drawing lines and limiting ourselves to who we are and what we can do. We are not a defined thing. We are each I believe a possibility and possibilities are endless!!

This New Year I dare you to change, take chances, be bold and make a new path, make a whole lot of them! Step out, step up and make a difference in your life. Who knows maybe you’ll inspire someone else to do the same…

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Trapped Within Yourself

Life is a journey that each of us have to make. There is no sitting this one out. There is no saying, I am too busy or too tired. Even if we don’t actively participate, we’ll still get carried along. No escape no matter how hard we all try, and we all try to some degree.

The journey like any other leaves us with experiences. What do we do though, when those experiences trap us and hinder us from continuing on; when the experiences leave you scarred and broken and feeling trapped within yourself? When the person you know you are finds themselves trapped within experiences that seem to have robbed them of their freedom?

The frustration that builds up in not being able to handle the dark clouds that seem to blow over from nowhere and the helplessness you feel when you just can’t seem to find a shred of hope on a perfectly salvageable situation. The worries you have for the future when you can’t seem to be able to handle the present. All of these just make the dark thunder clouds grow.

Feeling trapped within yourself is scary. How do you escape yourself? Where do you run? How to drown out yourself? Knowing there is no else to help you and yet hoping someone will and not wanting to be the darkness in other people’s lives all make things even more complicated. What you really want is to disappear but how does one achieve that miracle?

I don’t have answers to any of the questions, just the questions…Is there any hope?

Dear Yesterday

Hope you are well. Why do I say that? I know you are not well. You are broken, you are upset, you are bitter and you will not let me be. You haunt me with your presence. I try to be happy with today but you always come around to remind, accuse, question. I just want to live my life, I want to face each day with a smile without your ghost to bring around the clouds that hide the sunshine.

You and I had some good times, but you need to let me move on. You need to set me free. You need to stop using the people I love to get back into my life. You need to realise that I don’t want you to define who I am. I made some mistakes with you but I am allowed mistakes. I am not perfect, I’ll be the first to admit, but that is no reason to guilt me into thinking that I will never find happiness.

I have loved and lost, I have loved and made mistakes, I have made impulsive decisions, I have let others define me in so many ways, I have let others down, but I don’t want the burden of you anymore! I do not want to carry around the guilt, the questions, and the accusations against myself. I want to be me without you. I want a new start without you.

This is good-bye Yesterday. I cannot be the best me with you around. It’s not me, it’s you. You cannot let things be me. You cannot accept yourself. If you cannot learn to live with yourself, how can you expect me to? I am sorry, but I have no choice. I have no choice but to say goodbye forever.

Yesterday, my dear yesterday…You were never meant to stay in anyone’s life as more than a lesson. You are not supposed to haunt them and make them feel insecure. You are supposed to bring smiles of what was and help people move on with the smiles still on their faces. When did you forget your purpose? Or did we, did I change you? Am I to blame? If so that is another reason to say goodbye.

I sincerely hope you find the peace you need.

Goodbye

Kindly

Goodbyes Are Hard and That’s Why I Avoid Them!

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When I left Malawi, it was kind of in a rush. Everything was happening so fast I could only process one thing at a time. It didn’t sink in that I had left my home of 15 years till the plane was landing in Sri Lanka and even then I was tired and numb after flying and it didn’t properly sink in.

I am a strong believer in dealing with things as they come. Putting it off till later will have serious repercussions that will sometimes cripple you. I try to deal with everything that life throws at me when they are thrown at me, sometimes the day after. Hey a girl needs time to plan out her defense or attack! There is one thing though that I avoid very much. I literally become blind, deaf and senseless when it comes to this and that is the action ‘goodbye’.  

Goodbye…a seven letter word. Now, that in itself is a bad sign, an odd numbered word. I dislike odd numbers. Saying goodbye is  something I have struggled with my whole life. From since I can remember I have always hated goodbyes. Honestly speaking, I am afraid of them. In my mind, a goodbye is kind of like a death. It’s an end, and I hate endings. I have refused to say goodbye so many times, it has now piled up to a whole lot of unfinished  business. I think I have a separate room in the house that is my life, with ‘pending goodbyes’ on the door.

What I am realizing is that goodbyes are inevitable. They are like an uninvited guest that decides to crash every party and doesn’t take a hint that they are not welcome. I am also realizing that goodbyes are not always bad. Yes, they are sad, yes they herald an end to what was a really good time in life, yes they can make you feel like your life is over but a goodbye, a proper goodbye is also a heartfelt moment that could define the lives of those involved.

At the end of the day, saying goodbye is a chance to show the person that they meant the world to you, that they always will; and that though you are saying goodbye, they will remain in your heart and memory. It’s a chance to let them go with the knowledge that they had impacted your life in a way that has forever changed you and made you a better person, cause let’s be honest, no matter how a goodbye comes around, the time before the goodbye would have taught you something in life. It’s a moment of release for you as well as the other person involved. It is better, I think, to say goodbye and let things end than not say it and have unfinished business that you will regret later in life. It’s better to show the person that they meant something to you than let them wonder forever. Better to lay to rest what was and with a slow smile move on. 

All these things still do not make a goodbye any easier but I hope it’ll help anyone who hates goodbyes as much as me to atleast try and say it.

I will definitely work at saying goodbye though it’s hard.

The Fear of Being Judged

Most of us have a fear of being judged in some way. Maybe it’s for our backgrounds, maybe it’s for our short-comings, maybe it’s for mistakes in the past, maybe it’s for things like depression that we can’t fully control. Whatever the reason for our fear, it is very real. It can also be said to be justified, because people do judge. Me, myself am guilty of judging. Sometimes we don’t think too much about our judging and it can seem harmless but it’s not. The person we choose to put under our microscopes and find faults with really would not appreciate the judgement we pass on them!

I think most judgments passed on others, by ourselves, are there due to a lack of understanding. Most of us know our stories, why we are the way we are, what we’ve been through and how those events have moulded us.  No other human being can completely understand those things, unless they have been through the same things with you. Even then, they may have come out of it with different lessons than you. After all, we are unique in our own ways and hence unique in how we view things and deal with them. In addition, if you share your story with someone can he/she fully relate? I don’t think so. Our experiences are exactly that, ours! We cannot expect others to fully understand their significance in our lives. Then again, do we really share with anyone completely? Don’t we hold back because we do not want to feel judged?

There are two types of people who judge in my opinion: the ones who seem to have nothing better to do than judge and they do it in a mean and hurtful way, fully aware of how it affects you and then there are the majority of us who judge unwittingly without much thought and not really meaning any harm. One is worse than the other, but both are bad.

There is no one in this, whole world I’m sure who hasn’t judged another human being at one time or another. Sometimes we judge them for the same mistakes and short-comings that are in ourselves. Like King David who was so quick to pass judgement on the man in Nathan’s story, even though Nathan was in essence describing David’s sin regarding Bathsheba (2 Samuel 12:1-6).

The only one who never judged anyone was Jesus, and He met some pretty, interesting characters that everyone else was having a field day judging. Matthew the tax collector, Mary Magdalene the prostitute, the crippled man who was that way since he was young, one of His disciples asked, “What was this man’s sin for being crippled?” (paraphrased). Now I consider that judgement. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is this; if Jesus, perfect, sinless Jesus, Son of God, who had every right to judge us, sinful people did not do so, what right do we have to judge others when we are as flawed and human as them? The simple answer: NONE.

I’m not asking us to be perfect, that’s not possible. What I’m asking is that, before we pass judgement, can we take a moment and think about it? Can we ask ourselves, “What right do I have to do so?” Can we try to understand their stories and get the full picture before we rush to judge. And even after that if we feel the right or need to judge, then may I ask, what do you get from judging another human being? What purpose does it serve? Answer me that and I will say maybe, just maybe you may have a right to judge others.

How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” – Luke 6:42

Doors and Gardens

The end of something is always the beginning of something else. Sometimes though letting go of the something you’ve known and hoped on for so long is not easy. That causes you to miss out on the new beginning. It’s like a garden full of sunshine behind you and you’re busy standing on a closed porch, staring at a dark and gloomy door wanting to open it again but hoping it will open by itself and at the same time dreading that it might.

But how long can you stare at that door? How long can you hope and dread? How long can you ignore the sunshine? How long can you wonder? How long can you ask yourself ‘what if’? Time heals everything, that is true, but you have to let go and move on for time to do that. If you keep staring at that door, you’ll be so focused on that, you won’t even notice time pass by. The garden behind you will go through the seasons and you’ll just grow cold on a porch. You can miss out on so much by just staring at the past.

You have to turn your back on the door, take that step into the garden, take a deep breath and start to let go. Sure, you’ll look back once in a while and find yourself staring at that door. But as time moves on, and you move forward that door will get further and further away and it will start to fade. Some bright day it’ll be just a memory.

That’s life, isn’t it: change and growth; joy, pain and healing. We all go through it and we all come out of it but not completely the same as we were. Some of us carry raw scars; others are much better at healing. That also is our choice, it depends on us! The more we hold on to the past and dwell on it the harder it is to heal. It’s like pouring salt on to the wounds. I hold on a lot to the past. I feel as though I have to, that if I let go, I lose a part of me. But that’s not true! What I lose by letting go is the bitterness, anger, hurt, the negative thoughts, and the hopelessness. I can definitely live without those! All those things ever do, is hold me back.

So I’m deciding to turn my back on the door! Step out into the garden and begin again. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s also not an impossible thing! If I keep staring at that door, I’ll never move forward. I’ll just be regretting and wondering and holding myself back! So goodbye porch! Goodbye door! Hello garden! Hello sunshine!