Thinking…

‚ÄčThe end of an year makes one think. There is no doubt on that. I have been thinking about the past, of the present and the future to be. Deciding what I need to bring back to myself from the past, what I need to keep from the present and change/remove from the future. The thinking has been on who I am!

Who we are cannot be described in a few words. Who we are is a lifetime of existence, filled with experiences that shapes and moulds us as we go along on this journey of life. That is why whenever I get asked the question, ‘Can you describe yourself in a few words?’ I freeze. How am I to describe the whole of “ME” in a few words?? The whole of me is made up of a lifetime of experiences. How do you pick which parts define you when they all do? 

Who am I…a daughter, a sister, a niece, a grandchild. I am also a girlfriend, friend, shoulder, listener, advisor. A rebel, a heartbreaker, a heart mender, compassion and love. Cold hearted, a angel, a devil, nice and nasty. Patient and impatient, hateful, hurtful, hurting and kind. Dark and light, confident and selfless, yet also selfish and lacking self-worth. A worker, a dreamer, an accountant, a writer, a bore and fun and I can go on!

The point I am trying to make is. There really is no point putting ourselves in a box, drawing lines and limiting ourselves to who we are and what we can do. We are not a defined thing. We are each I believe a possibility and possibilities are endless!!

This New Year I dare you to change, take chances, be bold and make a new path, make a whole lot of them! Step out, step up and make a difference in your life. Who knows maybe you’ll inspire someone else to do the same…

Another Year Draws to a Close

Here we are at the top of the mountain that has been the year 2016. What a climb it has been! I have been challenged, tested and emotionally wrecked this year. But guess what I have endured. I had grown and I can still stand tall albeit a bit bruised and scarred. But that is nothing new in my life.

I started out with the hardships but let’s add the good now. I have found love. I have found strength. I travelled to two new places (UK and India) and I met people I never thought I would. I learnt that even in the midst of a storm, there is one spot of calm you are given to really get things together. God knows you need it and He provides. 

Speaking of God, we grew apart. And if anybody wants to argue God does not exist try knowing Him and then not knowing Him. Trust me you miss Him! You feel the emptiness. Trust me on that. 

On the point of love…I love my best friend. A man who is the complete opposite of me. Who is the calm to my storm, the steady to my panic, the patience to my impatience, the soothing to my fears, the cool to my hot temper, the assurance to my doubts and the possessor of the biggest, most loving heart! I don’t admit it enough but he is a blessing in my life. Again God knows what He is doing. Even when I don’t. Though I will admit I was sure on him from the start. 

On work matters. I got to travel as a result of my job. As I mentioned previously, to the UK and India. I didn’t have a lot of fun in either trip. I am not good with travelling alone. But I learnt a lot. And sometimes lessons are not fun. Well are they ever? 

Family wise, me and my sisters are all grown up now…and leading different lives. With all four of us on different paths it is difficult to keep together. And I am afraid we will grow apart. This is part of life though. I have to trust that the bond we share, which is a lifetime worth of experiences, memories, emotions is strong enough to let us go down different paths but still be the same ‘us’. It is strong enough. 

Studies wise I failed. And failed. And failed again. I have lost confidence in my abilities and my will to complete this is diminished. I refuse to give up though. No great story was ever told on anyone who gave up right?!

Health, exercise wise I need help and a change. I am as fit as a broken fiddle! I am always on my arse and hardly moving about, what with a desk job and weird working hours. No excuse though!

All in all 2016 has been a happy year but trying too. And here I stand at the summit ready to plunge into the dark abyss that is 2017 and start a new climb all over again. Wish you a safe journey ahead. And I pray you wish me the same. Raise a glass this New Year’s Eve to another chapter in the great epic that is life!

November…Welcome!

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A new month…

I am a big believer in, ‘everyday is a new beginning’. So the start of a new month is definitely a chance for new things.

I need new things. I need a fresh start. October took me for a ride. I was heart-broken, I was shocked, hopes dashed, revelations that left me confused and hurt; I was taught lessons I did not want to learn. I needed to learn them though.

I learned my right and wrong isn’t neccessarily someone else’s. That my code of honour are not known to everyone. That what I’d consider as betrayal isn’t betrayal to others. I also learned I was worth a lot more than I ever believed, that I deserve happiness and I have a right to it. I learned I get to choose who stays in my life and who does not, and sometimes it’s the people I love who I need to say goodbye to. I learned that sometimes you have to put on a mask because it’s the only way to survive.

With all those lessons and more, I move, full of optimism, to a new month. I am wiser, I am more ready for what comes next but I am also a little more cautious. I think October took away some more of my innocence, in that, I no longer believe that people do the right thing as often as they should. It was more a hope that, but the hope is gone now. Still, I have a positive outlook towards November.

When life gets you down so much, the only way to get back at it, is to smile. So smile today, tomorrow and always. People who love you will be glad, people who don’t will be mad. If we are being honest, both things are nice to know!