My Greatest Blessings

My life has not been an easy one. I spent a  lot of time thinking on this fact and lost out on a lot of good. Now however I live to embrace every moment and aim to make the most of the time that has been given to me.

No matter what life has been like, no matter the struggles, or the joys of it, I have always had one sure foundation to rest on, and that is ‘I am not alone’! I have been blessed with three younger sisters. With an age gap of one and half to two years between each of us there were times when we have tried to kill each other. We have annoyed each other to tears, blackmailed each other, fought like cats and dogs, even hated each other at stages! Thanks however to my mum’s wisdom and raising we have always stuck with each other, even when we were mad with each other.

There is a lot to be said about having three younger sisters that are completely different from me and each other. The clashes are plentiful. There is always disagreements and arguments. Very rare are the instances all four of us agree. Usual scenario is some agree and the others adjust. It teaches a valuable lesson of compromise having siblings. Also teaches sharing, putting someone else’s needs over yours and co-existing.

There is of course those rare occasions we are one unit, we agree, we sync, we almost seem one being with different parts. We compliment each other’s short-comings and differences and we stand together to face the things life throws at us. Those are beautiful moments for their rarity but also for the sense of solidarity one gets when they happen.

They are my greatest blessing cause at the end of the day no matter what happens I know they will always be there. That even if life takes us to four difference corners of the world, we would still be connected. Not through mail, facebook, insta, skype etc, no, these are just a means to an end; but through love, shared experiences of suffering, joys, highs and lows! These things no one can erase or take away and therefore are the strongest things binding us together!

Wishing you all the same blessings on the third day of the new year!

Thinking…

​The end of an year makes one think. There is no doubt on that. I have been thinking about the past, of the present and the future to be. Deciding what I need to bring back to myself from the past, what I need to keep from the present and change/remove from the future. The thinking has been on who I am!

Who we are cannot be described in a few words. Who we are is a lifetime of existence, filled with experiences that shapes and moulds us as we go along on this journey of life. That is why whenever I get asked the question, ‘Can you describe yourself in a few words?’ I freeze. How am I to describe the whole of “ME” in a few words?? The whole of me is made up of a lifetime of experiences. How do you pick which parts define you when they all do? 

Who am I…a daughter, a sister, a niece, a grandchild. I am also a girlfriend, friend, shoulder, listener, advisor. A rebel, a heartbreaker, a heart mender, compassion and love. Cold hearted, a angel, a devil, nice and nasty. Patient and impatient, hateful, hurtful, hurting and kind. Dark and light, confident and selfless, yet also selfish and lacking self-worth. A worker, a dreamer, an accountant, a writer, a bore and fun and I can go on!

The point I am trying to make is. There really is no point putting ourselves in a box, drawing lines and limiting ourselves to who we are and what we can do. We are not a defined thing. We are each I believe a possibility and possibilities are endless!!

This New Year I dare you to change, take chances, be bold and make a new path, make a whole lot of them! Step out, step up and make a difference in your life. Who knows maybe you’ll inspire someone else to do the same…

Hello…After Ages

I have been silent. That is an understatement. I can however also say I have been living. Not the ‘life is perfect’, ‘everything is peachy’ living. But the messy, chaotic, life-changing decisions living.

I used to be the sit in the bleachers type of girl. The observer. The commentator. Now I am the game player. The one who makes things happen, the one who makes the news.

The biggest thing that changed was I found my heart and soul. The part of me that completes me. That has made me bolder, stronger, more confident in facing the world. However it has also made me dependent, submissive and vulnerable. These latter emotions are, I am learning, not negative as we are taught. There is a certain strength in dependency, submissiveness and vulnerability. You cannot be any of these things without courage and a whole lot of faith.

As women we are asked a lot of; without anyone ever acknowledging they are asking a lot. There are pressures on us from all sides. Be it parents, boyfriends, husbands, children, our jobs, society as a whole. Everyone has an opinion, a viewpoint. Everyone expects something. What makes women so special and therefore an important cornerstone, if not foundation for everything on this earth is we do our damndest to be what everyone needs of us. Be it a daughter, a girlfriend, a wife, a mother, an employee, an example. And we do it our own, individual way with no apologies.

I don’t believe there is a set recipe that all women can follow to lead her own life. There are no paths already laid out. We pave our own way, walking through unfamiliar lands and situations, facing the giants and monsters along the way, meeting the people we do, choosing who stays and goes. What works for one woman may not necessarily work for another.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I have learnt to accept myself. My choices, my decisions. Where before I was hesitant, I am now sure. Where I felt I wasn’t enough so I never tried, I now try and see before deciding. I have grown; some more. I have also realised there is a lot more growing to do. Now though it no longer feels such a challenge. Now I no longer am feeling alone.

L.O.V.E

Love…

Poets have written odes, writers have given stories, musicians all have at least one song about it, actors try their best to portray it, religions preach it, humanity yearns for it; but what is love really?

In my life, love is my mother who sacrifices all her desires and dreams for her children. Love are my sisters who stick by me even when I am at my worst. Love is the pinky promise to never leave and the eyes that still look right into mine with love even when I have messed up. Love are the friends that know I am a drama queen but still put up with it and laugh. Love are the children in the Sunday school who have a light that never seems to dim. Love is God who sees all my imperfections and still chooses to never leave.

Love therefore, isn’t a feeling or an idea. Love are the people. Their actions. Their reactions. Their choices. Love isn’t to be found without, somewhere out there, it’s within, waiting to be used. You and I are the definition of love, because you and I are the ones who can show love and therefore open up others to do the same.

Love is all we really need, all we really want, everything else is just extras. Love provides everything else.

So I end with the lyrics that I like best on love from one of my favourite artists – Matt Maher.

“Love will hold us together, make us a shelter away from the storm. And I’ll be my brother’s keeper, so the whole world will know that we are not alone…”

Be LOVE to someone today.

Experience

Every experience we have, shapes us, moulds us, so that we are not the same person we were before said experience. The truth of the matter is there is no usual you, cause you are getting added onto each day you spend on this earth. Every event, be it the death of a father that was absent, or falling in love and giving of yourself more than you knew you’d ever receive back (twice) or having people you trusted let you down, or people you didn’t trust show they were trustworthy; they all change us.

We can get so lost in the feelings and emotions of the events that we sometimes forget that life is bigger than one single event, that it is an accumulation of a series of events, some pleasant, some not so much. We choose those events and sometimes they choose us, but how we process and react to them are always our choice. That does not mean we are expected to not feel whatever emotions we feel. It means we decide when we move on and it differs for each person. Some people take longer because they’d rather feel everything and get it out of their systems, others choose to bury the feelings and “fake it till they make it”. Neither is wrong, we are all just human. Sometimes though it is hard when you take the time to mourn and someone seems to have moved on in a heartbeat. The thing though is, we are all different and if we hold that against each other we’d never find peace.

So we all live life, each day changing, till maybe one day we can finally come to the end of our lives, and hopefully we look back and smile. Then we can leave the cacoons we were bound to, spread our wings and fly like the butterflies I love so much.

As Alice said in Wonderland, “I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then.” So I look forward and follow the road that is before me, not the same person I was, growing each day with every step.

Dear Yesterday

Hope you are well. Why do I say that? I know you are not well. You are broken, you are upset, you are bitter and you will not let me be. You haunt me with your presence. I try to be happy with today but you always come around to remind, accuse, question. I just want to live my life, I want to face each day with a smile without your ghost to bring around the clouds that hide the sunshine.

You and I had some good times, but you need to let me move on. You need to set me free. You need to stop using the people I love to get back into my life. You need to realise that I don’t want you to define who I am. I made some mistakes with you but I am allowed mistakes. I am not perfect, I’ll be the first to admit, but that is no reason to guilt me into thinking that I will never find happiness.

I have loved and lost, I have loved and made mistakes, I have made impulsive decisions, I have let others define me in so many ways, I have let others down, but I don’t want the burden of you anymore! I do not want to carry around the guilt, the questions, and the accusations against myself. I want to be me without you. I want a new start without you.

This is good-bye Yesterday. I cannot be the best me with you around. It’s not me, it’s you. You cannot let things be me. You cannot accept yourself. If you cannot learn to live with yourself, how can you expect me to? I am sorry, but I have no choice. I have no choice but to say goodbye forever.

Yesterday, my dear yesterday…You were never meant to stay in anyone’s life as more than a lesson. You are not supposed to haunt them and make them feel insecure. You are supposed to bring smiles of what was and help people move on with the smiles still on their faces. When did you forget your purpose? Or did we, did I change you? Am I to blame? If so that is another reason to say goodbye.

I sincerely hope you find the peace you need.

Goodbye

Kindly

Acceptance

***This was written a while back. I was not ready to post it then, but I am now.

 

I have not written in a while, not only on this blog but in my life. I have stopped writing to be honest. Reading as I have always said is my escape from reality, if reading is my escape, then writing has to be my door back. It helps me face what I have been running from and get back to living reality, instead of weaving fantasies. I have not written because I was not ready to face reality.

My reality – my dad passed away. At the age of 48 he passed away and I didn’t get to say goodbye, more importantly I did not want to say goodbye, shouldn’t have had to say goodbye so early!

I do not have many fond memories of my dad. He was there for 15 years of my life, but he was always a stranger of sorts. There were times though when he was the best dad in the world. He was the parent who understood me and no matter what we always had a bond, an understanding, probably because deep down we had similar souls. I believe in things like that, things that are unexplainable, something he and I had in common.

How to explain our situation? It was so complicated. From the age of 15 to 21, I didn’t see my dad again. Those years were not easy ones, especially 15. That was the most trying year in my life. So many trials. So many disappointments and so much pain and tears and he wasn’t there to protect me from it all. I was angry with him for that and so many other things. So much anger, so many secrets, so many disappointments; all of it came between an already strained relationship of father and daughter. Love sometimes does not conquer all it seems.

Now though, none of it matters. It all seems trivial and stupid and you wonder how in the world you let all of that get in the way. At the end of the road, what really matters is the love and I learnt that too late.

The truth is he chose the path he chose. It was going to end in heartache but he chose it and I was powerless to change his mind. So now the road’s ended and I stand at the end heartbroken. My dad is gone and I love him and I am mad at him for leaving me when I still needed him so much! I want to scream to bring him back but he won’t come back, so I hold my screams in. I hold my tears back for the sake of my mum, I get on with my life as though nothing is wrong but everything is wrong! Everything is not what I wanted! I think back to the dreams I had as a kid, the ones I dreamt in the mornings with my eyes shut tight, and I want to believe that if I close my eyes tight now and open them again, I’ll be that kid again and everything that has happened was just a vision of a future that could have been and I can change it. That is only a fantasy though and the little girl is gone. Though sometimes I can see her like it was yesterday…

So I do the only thing left to do, I accept the truth before me. I accept he’s gone and it hurts so much! Hurts so very much and I can’t even cry! I hold the tears back for another day, another time, another me. The little girl and her dreams are gone. One day I’ll be gone too with my heartache. Some other version will look back and see both the little girl and the broken-hearted young woman and she’ll see us like it was yesterday…None of us will ever forget though. We will always remember you dad and we are glad for the lessons, the love and hope you finally find some peace.

“The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.” – Marcus Tullius Cicero

You live on in my memory and heart…