My life has been one of self-sufficiency. My mother didn’t raise me holding my hand and protecting me from terrors. She raised me to do that for myself. She also taught me and my sisters at a very young age to cook, clean, study by ourselves and handle most things most kids wouldn’t. She taught survival. It was necessary. I didn’t grow up emotional and caring and sweet. I grew up building a tough exterior, layering it, protecting my soft insides.
Then you take my fiancé, an only child, who has always had his parents to hold his hand and guide him and provide for him and do everything for him. He’s lived life. He’s had friends, he’s grown up in relative comfort with very little hardship and the gift to be open and vulnerable and love and care with an innocence I had a very long time ago, but lost with every layer.
When you put two personalities like us together there will be fireworks and there will be bombs!
Both require love and attention. But one has never learned truly to give it openly. You should be able to guess who.
He brings the vulnerabilities in me to the surface and I expect the care from him, but the fact that I have grown up hiding these vulnerabilities and soft parts means I can’t show my care as openly or as freely as he is capable of. I expect him to be tough and handle things alone while demanding him be soft and available when it comes to me.
It’s a constant battle between my soft insides that trust him so much to depend on him and my tough exterior that doesn’t allow me to truly ever show how much I care.
I know I am broken and I have faults and I can’t always get the more emotional and caring parts of life right. I also know that I am one person who cares enough that if he gets hurt I would be able to feel it. I also know that I have blocked that part so well I no longer feel. Why is the question?
Life changes people in so many ways. Your experiences, your circumstances, the people around you, the people who are not. We die a little everyday and are reborn everyday too. How we are reborn isn’t always only determined by what we want and know. It’s determined by what happens to us. I lost someone I loved and I think that changed me forever in ways I am yet to truly understand.
Truth of the matter is some days I look at my fiancé and I cry, cause the love I feel for him is so immense. That scares me so much because I know that if I lose him I wouldn’t survive. I have been raised to survive though, so I do what I must for that. I hide my feelings, I build more layers of tough exterior and I keep him at bay.
How I truly feel about him though, that is there in those instances when he doesn’t see. The way I stare at him with tears in my eyes, feeling like my heart would explode, the way I want nothing but to hold him and never let go. The way I do small things for him, all the while complaining loudly, but from which I get so much pleasure. I care in secret. People who love openly don’t see secret care. They expect you to be just like them. Capable of absolute openness and love. No fault of theirs. They are the eternal optimists. I belong to the pessimists, the ones who never expect anything not to go wrong. Our lives are limited in so many ways.
Our love is so much harder because of our personalities and our different outlooks on everything, but it is a love that gives my life meaning and softens the hard edges. I am better for it.