My Greatest Blessings

My life has not been an easy one. I spent a  lot of time thinking on this fact and lost out on a lot of good. Now however I live to embrace every moment and aim to make the most of the time that has been given to me.

No matter what life has been like, no matter the struggles, or the joys of it, I have always had one sure foundation to rest on, and that is ‘I am not alone’! I have been blessed with three younger sisters. With an age gap of one and half to two years between each of us there were times when we have tried to kill each other. We have annoyed each other to tears, blackmailed each other, fought like cats and dogs, even hated each other at stages! Thanks however to my mum’s wisdom and raising we have always stuck with each other, even when we were mad with each other.

There is a lot to be said about having three younger sisters that are completely different from me and each other. The clashes are plentiful. There is always disagreements and arguments. Very rare are the instances all four of us agree. Usual scenario is some agree and the others adjust. It teaches a valuable lesson of compromise having siblings. Also teaches sharing, putting someone else’s needs over yours and co-existing.

There is of course those rare occasions we are one unit, we agree, we sync, we almost seem one being with different parts. We compliment each other’s short-comings and differences and we stand together to face the things life throws at us. Those are beautiful moments for their rarity but also for the sense of solidarity one gets when they happen.

They are my greatest blessing cause at the end of the day no matter what happens I know they will always be there. That even if life takes us to four difference corners of the world, we would still be connected. Not through mail, facebook, insta, skype etc, no, these are just a means to an end; but through love, shared experiences of suffering, joys, highs and lows! These things no one can erase or take away and therefore are the strongest things binding us together!

Wishing you all the same blessings on the third day of the new year!

Thinking…

​The end of an year makes one think. There is no doubt on that. I have been thinking about the past, of the present and the future to be. Deciding what I need to bring back to myself from the past, what I need to keep from the present and change/remove from the future. The thinking has been on who I am!

Who we are cannot be described in a few words. Who we are is a lifetime of existence, filled with experiences that shapes and moulds us as we go along on this journey of life. That is why whenever I get asked the question, ‘Can you describe yourself in a few words?’ I freeze. How am I to describe the whole of “ME” in a few words?? The whole of me is made up of a lifetime of experiences. How do you pick which parts define you when they all do? 

Who am I…a daughter, a sister, a niece, a grandchild. I am also a girlfriend, friend, shoulder, listener, advisor. A rebel, a heartbreaker, a heart mender, compassion and love. Cold hearted, a angel, a devil, nice and nasty. Patient and impatient, hateful, hurtful, hurting and kind. Dark and light, confident and selfless, yet also selfish and lacking self-worth. A worker, a dreamer, an accountant, a writer, a bore and fun and I can go on!

The point I am trying to make is. There really is no point putting ourselves in a box, drawing lines and limiting ourselves to who we are and what we can do. We are not a defined thing. We are each I believe a possibility and possibilities are endless!!

This New Year I dare you to change, take chances, be bold and make a new path, make a whole lot of them! Step out, step up and make a difference in your life. Who knows maybe you’ll inspire someone else to do the same…

Another Year Draws to a Close

Here we are at the top of the mountain that has been the year 2016. What a climb it has been! I have been challenged, tested and emotionally wrecked this year. But guess what I have endured. I had grown and I can still stand tall albeit a bit bruised and scarred. But that is nothing new in my life.

I started out with the hardships but let’s add the good now. I have found love. I have found strength. I travelled to two new places (UK and India) and I met people I never thought I would. I learnt that even in the midst of a storm, there is one spot of calm you are given to really get things together. God knows you need it and He provides. 

Speaking of God, we grew apart. And if anybody wants to argue God does not exist try knowing Him and then not knowing Him. Trust me you miss Him! You feel the emptiness. Trust me on that. 

On the point of love…I love my best friend. A man who is the complete opposite of me. Who is the calm to my storm, the steady to my panic, the patience to my impatience, the soothing to my fears, the cool to my hot temper, the assurance to my doubts and the possessor of the biggest, most loving heart! I don’t admit it enough but he is a blessing in my life. Again God knows what He is doing. Even when I don’t. Though I will admit I was sure on him from the start. 

On work matters. I got to travel as a result of my job. As I mentioned previously, to the UK and India. I didn’t have a lot of fun in either trip. I am not good with travelling alone. But I learnt a lot. And sometimes lessons are not fun. Well are they ever? 

Family wise, me and my sisters are all grown up now…and leading different lives. With all four of us on different paths it is difficult to keep together. And I am afraid we will grow apart. This is part of life though. I have to trust that the bond we share, which is a lifetime worth of experiences, memories, emotions is strong enough to let us go down different paths but still be the same ‘us’. It is strong enough. 

Studies wise I failed. And failed. And failed again. I have lost confidence in my abilities and my will to complete this is diminished. I refuse to give up though. No great story was ever told on anyone who gave up right?!

Health, exercise wise I need help and a change. I am as fit as a broken fiddle! I am always on my arse and hardly moving about, what with a desk job and weird working hours. No excuse though!

All in all 2016 has been a happy year but trying too. And here I stand at the summit ready to plunge into the dark abyss that is 2017 and start a new climb all over again. Wish you a safe journey ahead. And I pray you wish me the same. Raise a glass this New Year’s Eve to another chapter in the great epic that is life!

In The Beginning

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The beginning of any story can be said to set the tone for how it turns out. A story though is not as simple as how it starts, it is an ongoing journey with uphill and downhill roads and twists and turns. Paths that lead you through sunny fields of flowers to paths that go down dark and dreary woods without a glimmer of sunshine breaking through.

We are all stories that are unfolding day by day; and we are not just one character. We are everything we have to be. Everything we need to be. We are the fighters, the lovers, the children afraid of the dark, we are the magicians, we are the wise men, we are the fools, we are the achievers, the failures, the heroes, the villains, the ones who make a difference, the ones who sit on the side lines. The rulers, the followers, the slaves, the masters. Each of us is everything we would ever need to be to make this life a good story! We are pure potential waiting to be unleashed however we choose!

So really the beginning of the story isn’t as important as the now of the story. Everyday is a chance to write something new into your tale. Everyday is a chance to push yourself, to test your limits, to be who ever you want to be. Your dreams, your passions, they are your roadmap, and you can have more than one. You can chase them all. After all it is only this life on Earth we have to be whatever we want to be, to do whatever we want. I don’t think God ever meant for any of us to not live life to the fullest. It is up to us though to live life right, to write a story we’d be proud of, a story the people we love and who love us will be proud of. A story that means something, rather than just a bunch of words strung together.

What will your pages be filled with today? You have the pen, you get to write. Make it legendary…

Lessons From My Garden

This morning, like every other morning of late, I woke up feeling tired, exhausted and completely down and out. I stayed in bed, I fell asleep again and finally managed to wake myself up and get a move on.

I decided to check on my kittens, (well they are pretty grown up now but I still call them kittens) so I went out of my house to locate them. It’s a dark, gloomy day, no sun in sight. It’s cool outside which is a most welcome change from the constant humidity and the first thing I notice is a plant that grows near our front door, it’s branches tend to go all over the place and I noticed a flower. On closer inspection there were more buds waiting to bloom. Now you may ask what’s so special in that? Flowers bloom all the time. What’s special is that this plant struggles, it’s not the healthiest plant, it doesn’t have the best nutrition, it’s branches die, it’s leaves are brown, it’s afflicted by one thing or another and yet here it is – flowering!

It got me thinking how similar to that plant I am, we all are. None of us can claim to be whole, we all have our issues, our struggles, our ghosts, our karma, the regrets, the mistakes, the things that keep us up at night, the things that don’t allow us to sleep in. We all are afflicted by one thing or another, we all have demons we fight on a daily basis. What that flowering plant reminded me of was that, inspite of all that we can still bloom into a beautiful flower! We can put a smile on another’s face, we can still shine!

Life is not a guaranteed happy journey. We go searching for happiness so hard that we forget sadness is also a part and parcel of it all.  Accepting the “negative” feelings we feel as much as looking for those “positive” ones is important. The more we try to ignore the negative or change them, the more we make ourselves miserable. Living in denial, for that is what it is, isn’t life. It’s a constant running away from life.

Sometimes we can’t change things, and that is okay. We don’t always have to be in control, holding on so tight the blood stops flowing to your hands. Letting go is alright. It’s scary, it’s panic attack inducing for me but sometimes you have to. Sometimes that is all you can do!

Experience

Every experience we have, shapes us, moulds us, so that we are not the same person we were before said experience. The truth of the matter is there is no usual you, cause you are getting added onto each day you spend on this earth. Every event, be it the death of a father that was absent, or falling in love and giving of yourself more than you knew you’d ever receive back (twice) or having people you trusted let you down, or people you didn’t trust show they were trustworthy; they all change us.

We can get so lost in the feelings and emotions of the events that we sometimes forget that life is bigger than one single event, that it is an accumulation of a series of events, some pleasant, some not so much. We choose those events and sometimes they choose us, but how we process and react to them are always our choice. That does not mean we are expected to not feel whatever emotions we feel. It means we decide when we move on and it differs for each person. Some people take longer because they’d rather feel everything and get it out of their systems, others choose to bury the feelings and “fake it till they make it”. Neither is wrong, we are all just human. Sometimes though it is hard when you take the time to mourn and someone seems to have moved on in a heartbeat. The thing though is, we are all different and if we hold that against each other we’d never find peace.

So we all live life, each day changing, till maybe one day we can finally come to the end of our lives, and hopefully we look back and smile. Then we can leave the cacoons we were bound to, spread our wings and fly like the butterflies I love so much.

As Alice said in Wonderland, “I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then.” So I look forward and follow the road that is before me, not the same person I was, growing each day with every step.

Changes Again…

Change is inevitable. We all know this. We all tell ourselves this. We all expect it. Yet when it shows up we are left feeling anxious and that one feeling carries a host of others. Anger, sadness, resentment, panic; these are all contained in the anxiety.

Truth of the matter is, the feelings are all justified, change is scary. It is normal to feel what we feel. Normal to want to build up walls and hide. Another truth is that, though walls protect you, they also keep you in. There is not much you can see or do from inside.

I am learning that living, truly living leaves you open to a lot of uncertainty and possible sadness and heartbreak. However, there is endless joy, beauty and new things to be discovered and experienced.

I have lived the majority of my life, building walls, hiding and running away at any sign of possible hurt occurring. For the first time in my life in a very long time I have had the good fortune to meet someone who not only just tells me all the good things that are there in life but someone who pushes and challenges me gently to step out and see them with my own eyes. That is the blessing we all seek at the end of the day…another human being who truly understands you but one who also helps you grow.

This year has therefore been most memorable for the friend I made. A friend I hope to have for the rest of my life.