In The Beginning

45b4850ba4cf54e5d25e65bdc0c08760 (2)

The beginning of any story can be said to set the tone for how it turns out. A story though is not as simple as how it starts, it is an ongoing journey with uphill and downhill roads and twists and turns. Paths that lead you through sunny fields of flowers to paths that go down dark and dreary woods without a glimmer of sunshine breaking through.

We are all stories that are unfolding day by day; and we are not just one character. We are everything we have to be. Everything we need to be. We are the fighters, the lovers, the children afraid of the dark, we are the magicians, we are the wise men, we are the fools, we are the achievers, the failures, the heroes, the villains, the ones who make a difference, the ones who sit on the side lines. The rulers, the followers, the slaves, the masters. Each of us is everything we would ever need to be to make this life a good story! We are pure potential waiting to be unleashed however we choose!

So really the beginning of the story isn’t as important as the now of the story. Everyday is a chance to write something new into your tale. Everyday is a chance to push yourself, to test your limits, to be who ever you want to be. Your dreams, your passions, they are your roadmap, and you can have more than one. You can chase them all. After all it is only this life on Earth we have to be whatever we want to be, to do whatever we want. I don’t think God ever meant for any of us to not live life to the fullest. It is up to us though to live life right, to write a story we’d be proud of, a story the people we love and who love us will be proud of. A story that means something, rather than just a bunch of words strung together.

What will your pages be filled with today? You have the pen, you get to write. Make it legendary…

Experience

Every experience we have, shapes us, moulds us, so that we are not the same person we were before said experience. The truth of the matter is there is no usual you, cause you are getting added onto each day you spend on this earth. Every event, be it the death of a father that was absent, or falling in love and giving of yourself more than you knew you’d ever receive back (twice) or having people you trusted let you down, or people you didn’t trust show they were trustworthy; they all change us.

We can get so lost in the feelings and emotions of the events that we sometimes forget that life is bigger than one single event, that it is an accumulation of a series of events, some pleasant, some not so much. We choose those events and sometimes they choose us, but how we process and react to them are always our choice. That does not mean we are expected to not feel whatever emotions we feel. It means we decide when we move on and it differs for each person. Some people take longer because they’d rather feel everything and get it out of their systems, others choose to bury the feelings and “fake it till they make it”. Neither is wrong, we are all just human. Sometimes though it is hard when you take the time to mourn and someone seems to have moved on in a heartbeat. The thing though is, we are all different and if we hold that against each other we’d never find peace.

So we all live life, each day changing, till maybe one day we can finally come to the end of our lives, and hopefully we look back and smile. Then we can leave the cacoons we were bound to, spread our wings and fly like the butterflies I love so much.

As Alice said in Wonderland, “I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then.” So I look forward and follow the road that is before me, not the same person I was, growing each day with every step.

Turning Points

There are specific, tangible moments in life which you can look back on and say, ‘That is where and when everything changed.’

To get to those moments, you usually have to trudge through monotony, fight through storms, wander through darkness, cry through heartache and crawl, to the edge of that moment broken, bruised, battered and ready to give up. You usually reach there cowering and scared, utterly tested, all your strength drained.

Some of us don’t get to that moment. We get rooted somewhere along the way. Lost in a place we will never truly grow.

For those who make it to that moment, well, that is a point of change, victory, over-coming; a moment you find that you are so much more, that you are capable of so much more than you thought, that you had strength within you, you never even knew existed.

Those moments bring about transformation. The dirty, broken, ragged person that arrived finds a light within that shines so bright that their outer shell is shattered. They discover they have wings to fly and soar over everything. Those moments make us, they lead us through to brighter futures.

The point of life is reaching each of those moments. There isn’t only one ofcourse, it’s a journey. You will have to go through all the monotony, storms, darkness, heartache many times in life and each time will leave you broken, but eventually better.

You come into this world, with God having created you, but who you become, is up to you. He gives life, but it’s up to you to do what you want with it. He gives you the choices, and waits like a parent, for you to make the right ones. He is always there to help you if you ask but He knows you have to learn to walk so He waits patiently in the background, watching you learn. If you stumble he’ll steady you, but not always, cause there are lessons in falling too.

So take the journey. Find yourself. Fly.

Things We’ve Lost Along The Way

Image

Sometimes I think life is one big house. You start at one particular place but you journey through the house finding new rooms, finding new things about yourself, the world as you go. But along the way as you move from one room to another, messes appear! The annoying thing is, the mess follows you, and it builds up and builds up until one day you are stuck in one room, unable to move forward! When life gets messy you lose things. Important things like your faith, your trust, your hope, your peace, yourself; you lose them and in all the mess it becomes impossible to find them. You don’t even know where to start!

All you really crave is some peace and quiet to start the cleaning process, the healing process but life sadly gives no vacations. So you carry on as best as you know how, trying to sweep the mess under the carpets and stuff them into closets but all the while it leads to more messes. Broken and unhealthy relationships, feelings of inadequacy, of low self-confidence, hopelessness, desperation, anger, bitterness; they all plague you and you get no rest. No break from any of it.

Boy, aren’t I a ray of sunshine?

It is difficult to be optimistic these days; I was never that good at it. I could be optimistic for others in the past but now even that’s lost. What I am trying to get at is, I have lost something along the way but I am not sure what exactly that is. I feel it’s important though. That without it any hope that was there for me has been lost too. I have been going through it in my head. Trying to figure what I’ve lost. I guess that’s the reason for the whole metaphor of a messy house. I am having a hard time getting to the core of it, there are so many other things to get through it seems.

Anyone else feel this way?

Anyone else going through the ‘lost and searching’ era of life? 

Finding That Spark Again

So onwards on my journey and this is proving to be harder than I anticipated! When I first decided to give up social media I thought, ‘Hey, I can do this! It shouldn’t be too hard!’ What I didn’t count on was everything that would come to the forefront from not having social media to distract and fill up my time.

The truth of the matter is I am not happy! There, I said it! I have been avoiding facing that and have been doing pretty much anything to not have to face it! I feel like I have sinned in saying that, in admitting it! I have always been raised to find the good in any situation and not to complain because there were loads of people out there who had it worse. While I am sure that is true, I also believe someone should notice my unhappiness and take the time to talk to me about it rather than ignore it and sweep it under the rug! I have from a very young age, learnt and believed that you have to face things. Ignoring problems does not make them magically disappear! I know, I have tried doing that!

Anyway, what has me so unhappy you may ask, or you may not…Either way I’m telling! Bear with me. I believe I have been unhappy for the past year and 2 months. I have been unhappy ever since moving back to my home country! Why should I be unhappy for moving back close to my family? Well, it’s simple, I didn’t have a say in the matter! It sucks when you’re made to do something that every bone and muscle in your body is straining against doing! The whole time we were preparing to move back here, all I wanted to do was run away. I had such a strong urge to run and run and never stop! But I couldn’t! I’m not saying I was kidnapped or forced to do this, but rather that I had no choice but to do this.

Having no choice in the matter has effectively sucked the spark out of my life. I used to enjoy life! No matter what my circumstances I could find a reason to smile. I was pessimistic but when things got tough I could rally myself and find the bright side. Now I can’t make myself feel good about anything! I laugh, I smile, but it’s no longer the laughs and smiles that I remember. It’s just reactions! My heart’s heavy and I seem to be forever under the heavy hand of depression. Which I could blissfully ignore due to social media for the past year, but what I have to painfully face now as I have no distractions!

After much thought and moping around, I came to a place where I was finally sick of myself! I was tired of laying in bed all day! I was tired of my heart feeling heavy and feeling trapped under a heavy blanket of depression and I got mad! Mad at myself for letting myself be this way without even fighting to change things and already giving up without even starting!

So I decided to change things! Decided to make the effort to get my spark back! (Don’t I sound like a transformer?) I decided that no matter how tired or unable I was feeling, I’d make myself do things, make myself do something! I’d start slow and keep reminding myself that I needed to make the effort! Today was the first day of that resolution being put to work and I am happy to say that for the majority of the day I succeeded! I had a productive day! I did things, helped out my mum with lunch, went stationary shopping with my sisters (walking), did my laundry…Simple, everyday things, which I was finding difficult to do! I didn’t want to do them! I felt my mind and body throwing tantrums and complaining, saying all I needed was to just lie down for a rest. But I ignored them for the most part and got on with my day! I did have a relapse right after lunch where I laid down and didn’t get up again for a few hours losing myself in a book. But then I had to get up, cause I promised my sister that I’d accompany her to the bookshop. It wasn’t such a chore to get out of bed for my sisters! I actually found myself pretty energetic and willing to do that!

The truth of the matter is, I have an escapist personality. I choose to run away from facing things that are tough. I choose to lose myself in books, television, writing, social media, anything from having to face my problems. But like I said, I’ve known from a young age you can’t run from problems. Knowledge of something and implementing that same thing in your life are two different things. I’m only now realising that. I have to start implementing my knowledge or else it’s like a good book that’s never taken off a shelf and read.

So from today, I hope to be an implementer. I hope to face situations no matter how ugly, scary or big they seem! The truth of the matter is I have never faced a single situation myself since I was 13, actually since ever. I just sometimes fail to see the divine interventions, God’s hand in all of them! Cause I am sure HE had HIS hands in all of them! Always watching over me and seeing every aspect of me and still accepting and loving me completely! That’s one truth that still makes my heart feel lighter. For that itself I’m grateful!

So wish me luck on this and the rest of my days in what’s turning out to be my own 40 days in the wilderness!

The Road Called Life

I always like to think of life as a journey. A walk along a road that eventually leads you home. The road changes as you go, sometimes it’s uphill, sometimes it’s downhill, sometimes it’s straight, sometimes full of bends that you can’t see what’s coming up, sometimes rocky and uneven that you slip and fall; well you get the idea. The weather changes too, it’s nice and sunny on some patches along the road and all at once it gets stormy and cloudy. The stormy and cloudy, normally happens when you’re crossing a sea. And yes, sometimes there are seas to cross. The scenery changes as well. Sometimes your road leads through fields filled with flowers and sometimes through dark, musty, humid swamps. And in extreme cases right past a volcano that’s about to erupt! (As you can most probably tell by now, I like imagery!) As you pass along and through all this the biggest  change happens in YOU! Every experience, no matter how slight leaves a mark on our lives.

Another thing to think about is, you hardly ever walk on your road alone. If everyone’s life is a road then it’s only logical to assume that sometimes people’s roads connect. Family, most times, share the same road as you. I think they share for the longest time and even when they go their separate ways they have little by-ways and lanes into yours. Sometimes of course they go home much sooner than we want them to. As to, whether you interact with those whose roads fall into yours is absolutely your choice. Although I think if they somehow stumbled onto your road, it’s fair to say they need to be there. The mastermind wouldn’t let it happen without a reason. Of course don’t assume everyone will bring something good into your road! Some bring clouds and storms and sadness. And sometimes one person can bring both good and bad. Either way you have grown, learned and gotten wiser.

It’s kind of amazing to think of life, like this. If you take the whole world into account, well it’s mind-blowing! We are all connected in some way…

I spoke about a mastermind earlier. For me that mastermind is God. Some may not agree with this, but it makes perfect sense to me. I believe He watches over each of our lives because He knows that we affect each other’s lives. There is no denying that at least. We all do have some kind of influence on one person or another. I also believe that in all our roads, He’s travelling along with us. You might ask, “How does He manage that?”  My answer, He’s God! We don’t see Him though, most of the time. We’re too busy! Too busy trying to pave our roads or move them or control where they lead. But He’s always, still there. You can notice Him if you try: The kindness of a total stranger, or a word of encouragement or a helping hand when you’ve given up. Those things are no accident.

So as you walk along, try and remember two things:

1. You NEVER walk alone!

2. You affect/influence other people, try to be more thoughtful about that.