Life is a journey and we all come to many crossroads along the way. They are the pivotal moments that determine the next chapter and how it turns out. You never know whether the choice you are making is the right one cause you don’t have the outcomes listed out. You can’t see the future. It’s a game of chance and sometimes the decisions can be revoked and changed, at other times it seems they can’t.

They are scary and nerve wrecking moments and you feel the pressure of it all so keenly. For an anxiety riddled person like myself every crossroad decision is a struggle with a long time taken to decide on the road and a million what if scenarios that play in my head.

My crossroad now is marriage. I come from a broken marriage, a broken home. I have no template for a healthy relationship or a happy marriage. I have a million anxieties and very little comfort from anyone for them. People whether it’s those that love you or not don’t really understand or can’t relate to pain you have been through. They think it’s simple and straightforward when the reality is its the farthest from that it can be.

My anxieties are things I deal with daily. Some days I do well. But on other days I don’t. They get the better of me. I feel them closing in and choking me and I want to run. I have usually run into books and found solace there. I don’t have that luxury now. I have to be an adult and not get lost, not runaway. I however do need to deal with them now as they are causing extreme problems and recklessness.

I don’t know how to deal with it all though. I do however know I need to start. The question is though what will I choose now? Which Road will I take?



​The end of an year makes one think. There is no doubt on that. I have been thinking about the past, of the present and the future to be. Deciding what I need to bring back to myself from the past, what I need to keep from the present and change/remove from the future. The thinking has been on who I am!

Who we are cannot be described in a few words. Who we are is a lifetime of existence, filled with experiences that shapes and moulds us as we go along on this journey of life. That is why whenever I get asked the question, ‘Can you describe yourself in a few words?’ I freeze. How am I to describe the whole of “ME” in a few words?? The whole of me is made up of a lifetime of experiences. How do you pick which parts define you when they all do? 

Who am I…a daughter, a sister, a niece, a grandchild. I am also a girlfriend, friend, shoulder, listener, advisor. A rebel, a heartbreaker, a heart mender, compassion and love. Cold hearted, a angel, a devil, nice and nasty. Patient and impatient, hateful, hurtful, hurting and kind. Dark and light, confident and selfless, yet also selfish and lacking self-worth. A worker, a dreamer, an accountant, a writer, a bore and fun and I can go on!

The point I am trying to make is. There really is no point putting ourselves in a box, drawing lines and limiting ourselves to who we are and what we can do. We are not a defined thing. We are each I believe a possibility and possibilities are endless!!

This New Year I dare you to change, take chances, be bold and make a new path, make a whole lot of them! Step out, step up and make a difference in your life. Who knows maybe you’ll inspire someone else to do the same…

Trapped Within Yourself

Life is a journey that each of us have to make. There is no sitting this one out. There is no saying, I am too busy or too tired. Even if we don’t actively participate, we’ll still get carried along. No escape no matter how hard we all try, and we all try to some degree.

The journey like any other leaves us with experiences. What do we do though, when those experiences trap us and hinder us from continuing on; when the experiences leave you scarred and broken and feeling trapped within yourself? When the person you know you are finds themselves trapped within experiences that seem to have robbed them of their freedom?

The frustration that builds up in not being able to handle the dark clouds that seem to blow over from nowhere and the helplessness you feel when you just can’t seem to find a shred of hope on a perfectly salvageable situation. The worries you have for the future when you can’t seem to be able to handle the present. All of these just make the dark thunder clouds grow.

Feeling trapped within yourself is scary. How do you escape yourself? Where do you run? How to drown out yourself? Knowing there is no else to help you and yet hoping someone will and not wanting to be the darkness in other people’s lives all make things even more complicated. What you really want is to disappear but how does one achieve that miracle?

I don’t have answers to any of the questions, just the questions…Is there any hope?

Goodbyes Are Hard and That’s Why I Avoid Them!


When I left Malawi, it was kind of in a rush. Everything was happening so fast I could only process one thing at a time. It didn’t sink in that I had left my home of 15 years till the plane was landing in Sri Lanka and even then I was tired and numb after flying and it didn’t properly sink in.

I am a strong believer in dealing with things as they come. Putting it off till later will have serious repercussions that will sometimes cripple you. I try to deal with everything that life throws at me when they are thrown at me, sometimes the day after. Hey a girl needs time to plan out her defense or attack! There is one thing though that I avoid very much. I literally become blind, deaf and senseless when it comes to this and that is the action ‘goodbye’.  

Goodbye…a seven letter word. Now, that in itself is a bad sign, an odd numbered word. I dislike odd numbers. Saying goodbye is  something I have struggled with my whole life. From since I can remember I have always hated goodbyes. Honestly speaking, I am afraid of them. In my mind, a goodbye is kind of like a death. It’s an end, and I hate endings. I have refused to say goodbye so many times, it has now piled up to a whole lot of unfinished  business. I think I have a separate room in the house that is my life, with ‘pending goodbyes’ on the door.

What I am realizing is that goodbyes are inevitable. They are like an uninvited guest that decides to crash every party and doesn’t take a hint that they are not welcome. I am also realizing that goodbyes are not always bad. Yes, they are sad, yes they herald an end to what was a really good time in life, yes they can make you feel like your life is over but a goodbye, a proper goodbye is also a heartfelt moment that could define the lives of those involved.

At the end of the day, saying goodbye is a chance to show the person that they meant the world to you, that they always will; and that though you are saying goodbye, they will remain in your heart and memory. It’s a chance to let them go with the knowledge that they had impacted your life in a way that has forever changed you and made you a better person, cause let’s be honest, no matter how a goodbye comes around, the time before the goodbye would have taught you something in life. It’s a moment of release for you as well as the other person involved. It is better, I think, to say goodbye and let things end than not say it and have unfinished business that you will regret later in life. It’s better to show the person that they meant something to you than let them wonder forever. Better to lay to rest what was and with a slow smile move on. 

All these things still do not make a goodbye any easier but I hope it’ll help anyone who hates goodbyes as much as me to atleast try and say it.

I will definitely work at saying goodbye though it’s hard.

Doors and Gardens

The end of something is always the beginning of something else. Sometimes though letting go of the something you’ve known and hoped on for so long is not easy. That causes you to miss out on the new beginning. It’s like a garden full of sunshine behind you and you’re busy standing on a closed porch, staring at a dark and gloomy door wanting to open it again but hoping it will open by itself and at the same time dreading that it might.

But how long can you stare at that door? How long can you hope and dread? How long can you ignore the sunshine? How long can you wonder? How long can you ask yourself ‘what if’? Time heals everything, that is true, but you have to let go and move on for time to do that. If you keep staring at that door, you’ll be so focused on that, you won’t even notice time pass by. The garden behind you will go through the seasons and you’ll just grow cold on a porch. You can miss out on so much by just staring at the past.

You have to turn your back on the door, take that step into the garden, take a deep breath and start to let go. Sure, you’ll look back once in a while and find yourself staring at that door. But as time moves on, and you move forward that door will get further and further away and it will start to fade. Some bright day it’ll be just a memory.

That’s life, isn’t it: change and growth; joy, pain and healing. We all go through it and we all come out of it but not completely the same as we were. Some of us carry raw scars; others are much better at healing. That also is our choice, it depends on us! The more we hold on to the past and dwell on it the harder it is to heal. It’s like pouring salt on to the wounds. I hold on a lot to the past. I feel as though I have to, that if I let go, I lose a part of me. But that’s not true! What I lose by letting go is the bitterness, anger, hurt, the negative thoughts, and the hopelessness. I can definitely live without those! All those things ever do, is hold me back.

So I’m deciding to turn my back on the door! Step out into the garden and begin again. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s also not an impossible thing! If I keep staring at that door, I’ll never move forward. I’ll just be regretting and wondering and holding myself back! So goodbye porch! Goodbye door! Hello garden! Hello sunshine!