Who Have I Become?

There is always a confusion when you grow up. How do you know if you are changing too much, how much of it is really you and how much is what you made yourself to survive, fit in, belong or just had changed with no conscious thought on your part to do so?

I remember a little girl who always felt unheard, who always felt lost in a crowd with her family, who wanted something to call her own, her own identity; to be told she is special and never finding it. She withdrew and finally got lost somewhere along the way. Not without a fight though. She always fought for what she wanted. Never won.

I remember a teenager, lost and confused and full of hurt and insecurity, whose father had just left, whose mother she always depended on to be the rock was found to be human, who didn’t have any friends, who couldn’t confide in her younger sisters out of a duty of being the eldest, who was so lonely and confused. She craved for love and attention and to be told she was worth it; that she was worth the sacrifice of giving up drinking, that she was worth being listened to. She fought then too. She fought to keep her head above water in a life that was a sinking boat, she fought feeling unloved and unworthy and somewhere along the way she too was lost.

I remember a girl who fell in love deeply with a boy who made her feel everything she always wanted to feel, special, heard, like she was the only one in the world. Who treated her like an equal in spite of an age difference. Who never missed an opportunity to be there. Who made her life a little brighter, a little less lonely. He was everything she wanted till the day she found out she wasn’t the only one and she would never be the one. The tears she cried were endless it seemed. And she tried, she truly did. She too was lost along the way, so were the tears.

I remember a girl who came back to her homeland as naive as can be. A ball of innocence dropped on a hard, harsh, unforgiving ground. Who fought hard to be herself and remain the way she was. She too was lost…

I remember a girl who lost her father. Who lost the one man she wanted to save. A girl who wasn’t there when he died. Who was left alone in a harsh world with guilt, and regret and a broken heart. A heart that had taken so many beatings but this was it. She lost her heart. She lost her fight. She lost.

I remember a woman who fell in love in spite of all the odds being against her. Who took a chance on love again and who learnt that even a person who had completely lost her fight, her heart; could be restored when someone else loves them enough to stay through the good, the bad and the ugly. That someone would have to be very special too.

I know the person I have become. I know what has made me who I am. I know the hurts, the joys, the regrets, the lessons. I still wonder though what if I never felt lost in a crowd as a child would I like people more? I wonder if I was never betrayed by my parents as a teenager would I be more trusting and open to believing the best of people rather than the worst? If I never fell in love that first time would I have loved differently now? If I never came back would I have been happier even though a future was not guaranteed? If my dad hadn’t died, would I be less broken-hearted and more optimistic? If I didn’t take a second chance at love would I be happy alone?

What ifs… We know they are impossible but we still think them.

The truth of the matter is I am who I am today due to a culmination of events throughout my journey in life. If one tiny thing above hadn’t happened a different person would be writing this blog now on a different topic too probably.

You cannot predict life, but you have to accept that there is a greater purpose to everything. That the whole universe isn’t necessarily out to get you, it’s out more to build you. And those versions of you that presumably disappear, well that is a metamorphosis. They blend one into another and every version of you is like a level up. You choose how you turn out. The universe (in my case God) just sets the challenges to get to the next level.

Remember who you were, accept you are and keep growing to be the best you to walk this earth because there really is only one you.

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All Out Of Faith and Then…Found Some

My life’s been a rollercoaster ride for the past eight months. I’ve moved from a country I had grown up and fallen in love with back to my motherland. A place I had planned on never again setting foot in, for valid reasons. Now, as I think of it though, the truth of the matter is, I was running away. I’ve been running a long time from who I am, where I come from; my past, the shadows of which have nonetheless haunted me.

Coming here after 12 years, I have faced more problems than I care to mention. I have had to face truths I had known but rather have done without and find out new truths that have left me feeling like my world’s turned upside down. It has been change, change and more change and uncomfortable, uncertain, scary in a bad way change. I’m not very good at handling change. I’d have never admitted this before but I get scared quickly, I tend to get angry when I get scared and then plain disagreeable and annoying to those around me. All this change has left me feeling absolutely terrified to be honest! Change never does announce itself. It just breaks down your door and barges in uninvited.

The worst of it is I lost my faith. I lost the truths I should have held on to tightly. In all the chaos, uncertainty, fear and pain I forgot who holds me in His arms and watches over me. I forgot His promises to me. I forgot that at the end of anything and everything I’ve ever faced in life He had come through and it had been alright. In all my emotions I questioned His love, His mercy, His provision…Why us? Why do we have to go through so much? What did we do wrong? Why? Why? Why? A lot of Why’s tumbled around in my head and I didn’t even really want to hear any answers. I just wanted to yell and scream.

My pain, my fears and anger, which still threaten to overwhelm me now as I type this, had completely and utterly, drained all hope and happiness out of me, I was utterly lost in darkness. A darkness, created and fed by me and yes, a little help from those around me, but mostly me as I chose to dwell on all the negatives in my life and forgot to think about the good things that may have happened due to all the change; the major one being the fact that my life finally has some direction in relation to my future.

So if any lessons are to be learnt from this they would be:

1. In order to ride out the storms of this life you need a strong, sturdy boat. One built on God’s promises, one built with God!

2. What you think will have a major impact on how you see things. If you think negative thoughts, you’ll only notice the negative aspects of a situation.

3. Nothing can overwhelm you unless you allow it to. You seriously and really ARE in control of yourself. You are the conductor in your orchestra made up of emotions, and thoughts mainly. You decide how the music of your life turns out.

4. The easiest thing to do when things get tough is to retreat into yourself and mope. That is also the worst thing you can do. Shutting down is a selfish thing to do. It leaves the people around you, people you love, vulnerable and alone. Yeah, facing your problems is not easy, it’s scary but you have to, otherwise they’ll torment you for a very long time!

5. When change does break down the door and barge in, take it by surprise and embrace it tightly. That should give you the upper hand. Easier said than done, but I guess you have to say it out loud sometimes before you can actually take the step to doing something.

Having said all that I hope I can remember it all and implement it into my life. I’m not going to give up! I’m not going to shut down anymore and I’m definitely not going to ‘not care’! This is my life and I will have a say on how it turns out thank you very much! No circumstance, person or situation will ever take that away from me! Here’s to a brand new attitude with a bright light to banish the darkness within and without! 🙂