Who I Am

There is a lot of sayings going around about how we should be who we are and embrace our uniqueness and all that self-realization tosh! Honestly speaking, most days, days that are not today, I like those sayings and quotes and all. Today though I am in a mood to ask what is the use of them! Looking at the world around me all I see are self-obsessed, selfish people who go around preaching the mantra ‘can’t trust anyone’, ‘at the end of the day you have to look after yourself’.

So what have we created at the end of the day with all this “I am unique” and “Look after yourself first and then you can look after others” and every other self-indulgent phrase out there? I will tell you what! A bunch of selfish, uncaring individuals who have lost empathy, compassion and the will to care cause it has been taught them that they should think they are always right, always first, always deserving and always, always the ones who are being wronged!

I am sad to say I am one such individual as well. I am not happy about it. I am pissed off at it! Who I am is someone who I never used to be! I used to be caring, understanding, doing my best for everyone no matter who they are. I used to have a heart and mind that was capable of being more than who I am at this moment typing this out. I don’t like me! I can blame a lot of things, but at the end of the day I am someone who has always been full aware that no one is to blame, not truly for the person you become. The life that is handed to you is God’s gift to you, some days it does feel like a curse, but at the end of the day once a gift is given the ownership passes from the giver to the recipient. From that day you are responsible for your own life!

There is a saying:

“Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream.”

Well I am not dead yet! So here’s to a quote I can live by!

My Greatest Blessings

My life has not been an easy one. I spent a  lot of time thinking on this fact and lost out on a lot of good. Now however I live to embrace every moment and aim to make the most of the time that has been given to me.

No matter what life has been like, no matter the struggles, or the joys of it, I have always had one sure foundation to rest on, and that is ‘I am not alone’! I have been blessed with three younger sisters. With an age gap of one and half to two years between each of us there were times when we have tried to kill each other. We have annoyed each other to tears, blackmailed each other, fought like cats and dogs, even hated each other at stages! Thanks however to my mum’s wisdom and raising we have always stuck with each other, even when we were mad with each other.

There is a lot to be said about having three younger sisters that are completely different from me and each other. The clashes are plentiful. There is always disagreements and arguments. Very rare are the instances all four of us agree. Usual scenario is some agree and the others adjust. It teaches a valuable lesson of compromise having siblings. Also teaches sharing, putting someone else’s needs over yours and co-existing.

There is of course those rare occasions we are one unit, we agree, we sync, we almost seem one being with different parts. We compliment each other’s short-comings and differences and we stand together to face the things life throws at us. Those are beautiful moments for their rarity but also for the sense of solidarity one gets when they happen.

They are my greatest blessing cause at the end of the day no matter what happens I know they will always be there. That even if life takes us to four difference corners of the world, we would still be connected. Not through mail, facebook, insta, skype etc, no, these are just a means to an end; but through love, shared experiences of suffering, joys, highs and lows! These things no one can erase or take away and therefore are the strongest things binding us together!

Wishing you all the same blessings on the third day of the new year!

The End of The Year – 2016

So here we are on the Eve of a new year…and what a year it has been! Ups and downs, ins and outs, twists and turns! I am not complaining here, today at the end of the crazy roller-coaster ride. I however did complain throughout. Ask my boyfriend and he will confirm that with a “OH YES!”

The main thing that this year has taught me is not to doubt myself. Not to put limits on myself and to definitely not let others put limits on me! Not saying this attitude means I have not failed, or fallen flat on my face or come up short. Definitely have. Several times. No, what this attitude does is save valuable time and energy. Let’s be honest, once we start on the whole, ‘Oh, I don’t know…’ line of talk we are already half way to failing. We are spending so much time and energy thinking on how things could not work, how they could go wrong, be a disaster, that we really have no time to make it a success. Negativity is a cancer that bleeds away our energy and will.

This year was a lot of situations where I was thrust into things with not a whole lot of thinking time. It was an adapt and do or be in a lot of trouble kind of year.  I was a complain fest while it was happening but looking back I see that I needed this year. Needed that confidence boost, that growth. And as tough as it was, as emotionally draining, I would not trade it for anything.

My sincere hope and wish for you guys this New Year’s Eve is that you also find the ‘Can Do’ attitude to help you live your life to the fullest, doing what is best for your personal growth. Shine like the star you are and bring some light into this ever darkening world.

Happy New Year! 

 

Thinking…

​The end of an year makes one think. There is no doubt on that. I have been thinking about the past, of the present and the future to be. Deciding what I need to bring back to myself from the past, what I need to keep from the present and change/remove from the future. The thinking has been on who I am!

Who we are cannot be described in a few words. Who we are is a lifetime of existence, filled with experiences that shapes and moulds us as we go along on this journey of life. That is why whenever I get asked the question, ‘Can you describe yourself in a few words?’ I freeze. How am I to describe the whole of “ME” in a few words?? The whole of me is made up of a lifetime of experiences. How do you pick which parts define you when they all do? 

Who am I…a daughter, a sister, a niece, a grandchild. I am also a girlfriend, friend, shoulder, listener, advisor. A rebel, a heartbreaker, a heart mender, compassion and love. Cold hearted, a angel, a devil, nice and nasty. Patient and impatient, hateful, hurtful, hurting and kind. Dark and light, confident and selfless, yet also selfish and lacking self-worth. A worker, a dreamer, an accountant, a writer, a bore and fun and I can go on!

The point I am trying to make is. There really is no point putting ourselves in a box, drawing lines and limiting ourselves to who we are and what we can do. We are not a defined thing. We are each I believe a possibility and possibilities are endless!!

This New Year I dare you to change, take chances, be bold and make a new path, make a whole lot of them! Step out, step up and make a difference in your life. Who knows maybe you’ll inspire someone else to do the same…

Another Year Draws to a Close

Here we are at the top of the mountain that has been the year 2016. What a climb it has been! I have been challenged, tested and emotionally wrecked this year. But guess what I have endured. I had grown and I can still stand tall albeit a bit bruised and scarred. But that is nothing new in my life.

I started out with the hardships but let’s add the good now. I have found love. I have found strength. I travelled to two new places (UK and India) and I met people I never thought I would. I learnt that even in the midst of a storm, there is one spot of calm you are given to really get things together. God knows you need it and He provides. 

Speaking of God, we grew apart. And if anybody wants to argue God does not exist try knowing Him and then not knowing Him. Trust me you miss Him! You feel the emptiness. Trust me on that. 

On the point of love…I love my best friend. A man who is the complete opposite of me. Who is the calm to my storm, the steady to my panic, the patience to my impatience, the soothing to my fears, the cool to my hot temper, the assurance to my doubts and the possessor of the biggest, most loving heart! I don’t admit it enough but he is a blessing in my life. Again God knows what He is doing. Even when I don’t. Though I will admit I was sure on him from the start. 

On work matters. I got to travel as a result of my job. As I mentioned previously, to the UK and India. I didn’t have a lot of fun in either trip. I am not good with travelling alone. But I learnt a lot. And sometimes lessons are not fun. Well are they ever? 

Family wise, me and my sisters are all grown up now…and leading different lives. With all four of us on different paths it is difficult to keep together. And I am afraid we will grow apart. This is part of life though. I have to trust that the bond we share, which is a lifetime worth of experiences, memories, emotions is strong enough to let us go down different paths but still be the same ‘us’. It is strong enough. 

Studies wise I failed. And failed. And failed again. I have lost confidence in my abilities and my will to complete this is diminished. I refuse to give up though. No great story was ever told on anyone who gave up right?!

Health, exercise wise I need help and a change. I am as fit as a broken fiddle! I am always on my arse and hardly moving about, what with a desk job and weird working hours. No excuse though!

All in all 2016 has been a happy year but trying too. And here I stand at the summit ready to plunge into the dark abyss that is 2017 and start a new climb all over again. Wish you a safe journey ahead. And I pray you wish me the same. Raise a glass this New Year’s Eve to another chapter in the great epic that is life!

Hello…After Ages

I have been silent. That is an understatement. I can however also say I have been living. Not the ‘life is perfect’, ‘everything is peachy’ living. But the messy, chaotic, life-changing decisions living.

I used to be the sit in the bleachers type of girl. The observer. The commentator. Now I am the game player. The one who makes things happen, the one who makes the news.

The biggest thing that changed was I found my heart and soul. The part of me that completes me. That has made me bolder, stronger, more confident in facing the world. However it has also made me dependent, submissive and vulnerable. These latter emotions are, I am learning, not negative as we are taught. There is a certain strength in dependency, submissiveness and vulnerability. You cannot be any of these things without courage and a whole lot of faith.

As women we are asked a lot of; without anyone ever acknowledging they are asking a lot. There are pressures on us from all sides. Be it parents, boyfriends, husbands, children, our jobs, society as a whole. Everyone has an opinion, a viewpoint. Everyone expects something. What makes women so special and therefore an important cornerstone, if not foundation for everything on this earth is we do our damndest to be what everyone needs of us. Be it a daughter, a girlfriend, a wife, a mother, an employee, an example. And we do it our own, individual way with no apologies.

I don’t believe there is a set recipe that all women can follow to lead her own life. There are no paths already laid out. We pave our own way, walking through unfamiliar lands and situations, facing the giants and monsters along the way, meeting the people we do, choosing who stays and goes. What works for one woman may not necessarily work for another.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I have learnt to accept myself. My choices, my decisions. Where before I was hesitant, I am now sure. Where I felt I wasn’t enough so I never tried, I now try and see before deciding. I have grown; some more. I have also realised there is a lot more growing to do. Now though it no longer feels such a challenge. Now I no longer am feeling alone.

In The Beginning

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The beginning of any story can be said to set the tone for how it turns out. A story though is not as simple as how it starts, it is an ongoing journey with uphill and downhill roads and twists and turns. Paths that lead you through sunny fields of flowers to paths that go down dark and dreary woods without a glimmer of sunshine breaking through.

We are all stories that are unfolding day by day; and we are not just one character. We are everything we have to be. Everything we need to be. We are the fighters, the lovers, the children afraid of the dark, we are the magicians, we are the wise men, we are the fools, we are the achievers, the failures, the heroes, the villains, the ones who make a difference, the ones who sit on the side lines. The rulers, the followers, the slaves, the masters. Each of us is everything we would ever need to be to make this life a good story! We are pure potential waiting to be unleashed however we choose!

So really the beginning of the story isn’t as important as the now of the story. Everyday is a chance to write something new into your tale. Everyday is a chance to push yourself, to test your limits, to be who ever you want to be. Your dreams, your passions, they are your roadmap, and you can have more than one. You can chase them all. After all it is only this life on Earth we have to be whatever we want to be, to do whatever we want. I don’t think God ever meant for any of us to not live life to the fullest. It is up to us though to live life right, to write a story we’d be proud of, a story the people we love and who love us will be proud of. A story that means something, rather than just a bunch of words strung together.

What will your pages be filled with today? You have the pen, you get to write. Make it legendary…