I have been silent. That is an understatement. I can however also say I have been living. Not the ‘life is perfect’, ‘everything is peachy’ living. But the messy, chaotic, life-changing decisions living.
I used to be the sit in the bleachers type of girl. The observer. The commentator. Now I am the game player. The one who makes things happen, the one who makes the news.
The biggest thing that changed was I found my heart and soul. The part of me that completes me. That has made me bolder, stronger, more confident in facing the world. However it has also made me dependent, submissive and vulnerable. These latter emotions are, I am learning, not negative as we are taught. There is a certain strength in dependency, submissiveness and vulnerability. You cannot be any of these things without courage and a whole lot of faith.
As women we are asked a lot of; without anyone ever acknowledging they are asking a lot. There are pressures on us from all sides. Be it parents, boyfriends, husbands, children, our jobs, society as a whole. Everyone has an opinion, a viewpoint. Everyone expects something. What makes women so special and therefore an important cornerstone, if not foundation for everything on this earth is we do our damndest to be what everyone needs of us. Be it a daughter, a girlfriend, a wife, a mother, an employee, an example. And we do it our own, individual way with no apologies.
I don’t believe there is a set recipe that all women can follow to lead her own life. There are no paths already laid out. We pave our own way, walking through unfamiliar lands and situations, facing the giants and monsters along the way, meeting the people we do, choosing who stays and goes. What works for one woman may not necessarily work for another.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I have learnt to accept myself. My choices, my decisions. Where before I was hesitant, I am now sure. Where I felt I wasn’t enough so I never tried, I now try and see before deciding. I have grown; some more. I have also realised there is a lot more growing to do. Now though it no longer feels such a challenge. Now I no longer am feeling alone.