Today I am feeling melancholy.
I have these images of my life in my head that are like little stories or rather illustrations. Right now I have two. They are both talking about the same thing but two different illustrations.
In the first one, I’m pictured as a bird in a cage. My lifelong wish has been to be free and fly but I can’t. I am stuck in that cage with no where to go and I am frustrated and confused! Sometimes I get really close to escaping it seems, of moving out of the life I have, to something more – I am not sure what more is – the cage door is open slightly and I make my way slowly, with anticipation and fear, to squeeze through that opening, but, just as I near it and start to hope, the door is suddenly slammed in my face and I am once again locked in.
The second illustration I am trying to reach something on a precipice, it’s precariously balanced and I’m being held back, but I need to, have to reach it! My fingers almost brush it, but I can never really get a hold of ‘it’! What the ‘it’ is I do not know! All I know is that it’s important! Again, I think it has something to do with freedom!
That begs the question, ‘What is freedom?’. For me it is a deeper meaning to life, a truth, a truth that my mind seems so close to grasp but somehow other things cloud it and I lose sight. My melancholy days are the ones I get really close to this truth but I can’t quite reach it!
I must sound like a mad person. If I tried to explain this to a person by speaking, I’d either get called crazy or they’d interpret it in their own way and try to explain it away. I don’t like it when people try to explain my ‘weird’ thoughts and ideas away. I feel as though they are trying to explain me away. That’s not fair.
I am an odd person living what seems to be a normal life and I don’t know which is the real me, the odd one or the presumably normal one?