Finding That Spark Again

So onwards on my journey and this is proving to be harder than I anticipated! When I first decided to give up social media I thought, ‘Hey, I can do this! It shouldn’t be too hard!’ What I didn’t count on was everything that would come to the forefront from not having social media to distract and fill up my time.

The truth of the matter is I am not happy! There, I said it! I have been avoiding facing that and have been doing pretty much anything to not have to face it! I feel like I have sinned in saying that, in admitting it! I have always been raised to find the good in any situation and not to complain because there were loads of people out there who had it worse. While I am sure that is true, I also believe someone should notice my unhappiness and take the time to talk to me about it rather than ignore it and sweep it under the rug! I have from a very young age, learnt and believed that you have to face things. Ignoring problems does not make them magically disappear! I know, I have tried doing that!

Anyway, what has me so unhappy you may ask, or you may not…Either way I’m telling! Bear with me. I believe I have been unhappy for the past year and 2 months. I have been unhappy ever since moving back to my home country! Why should I be unhappy for moving back close to my family? Well, it’s simple, I didn’t have a say in the matter! It sucks when you’re made to do something that every bone and muscle in your body is straining against doing! The whole time we were preparing to move back here, all I wanted to do was run away. I had such a strong urge to run and run and never stop! But I couldn’t! I’m not saying I was kidnapped or forced to do this, but rather that I had no choice but to do this.

Having no choice in the matter has effectively sucked the spark out of my life. I used to enjoy life! No matter what my circumstances I could find a reason to smile. I was pessimistic but when things got tough I could rally myself and find the bright side. Now I can’t make myself feel good about anything! I laugh, I smile, but it’s no longer the laughs and smiles that I remember. It’s just reactions! My heart’s heavy and I seem to be forever under the heavy hand of depression. Which I could blissfully ignore due to social media for the past year, but what I have to painfully face now as I have no distractions!

After much thought and moping around, I came to a place where I was finally sick of myself! I was tired of laying in bed all day! I was tired of my heart feeling heavy and feeling trapped under a heavy blanket of depression and I got mad! Mad at myself for letting myself be this way without even fighting to change things and already giving up without even starting!

So I decided to change things! Decided to make the effort to get my spark back! (Don’t I sound like a transformer?) I decided that no matter how tired or unable I was feeling, I’d make myself do things, make myself do something! I’d start slow and keep reminding myself that I needed to make the effort! Today was the first day of that resolution being put to work and I am happy to say that for the majority of the day I succeeded! I had a productive day! I did things, helped out my mum with lunch, went stationary shopping with my sisters (walking), did my laundry…Simple, everyday things, which I was finding difficult to do! I didn’t want to do them! I felt my mind and body throwing tantrums and complaining, saying all I needed was to just lie down for a rest. But I ignored them for the most part and got on with my day! I did have a relapse right after lunch where I laid down and didn’t get up again for a few hours losing myself in a book. But then I had to get up, cause I promised my sister that I’d accompany her to the bookshop. It wasn’t such a chore to get out of bed for my sisters! I actually found myself pretty energetic and willing to do that!

The truth of the matter is, I have an escapist personality. I choose to run away from facing things that are tough. I choose to lose myself in books, television, writing, social media, anything from having to face my problems. But like I said, I’ve known from a young age you can’t run from problems. Knowledge of something and implementing that same thing in your life are two different things. I’m only now realising that. I have to start implementing my knowledge or else it’s like a good book that’s never taken off a shelf and read.

So from today, I hope to be an implementer. I hope to face situations no matter how ugly, scary or big they seem! The truth of the matter is I have never faced a single situation myself since I was 13, actually since ever. I just sometimes fail to see the divine interventions, God’s hand in all of them! Cause I am sure HE had HIS hands in all of them! Always watching over me and seeing every aspect of me and still accepting and loving me completely! That’s one truth that still makes my heart feel lighter. For that itself I’m grateful!

So wish me luck on this and the rest of my days in what’s turning out to be my own 40 days in the wilderness!

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