All Out Of Faith and Then…Found Some

My life’s been a rollercoaster ride for the past eight months. I’ve moved from a country I had grown up and fallen in love with back to my motherland. A place I had planned on never again setting foot in, for valid reasons. Now, as I think of it though, the truth of the matter is, I was running away. I’ve been running a long time from who I am, where I come from; my past, the shadows of which have nonetheless haunted me.

Coming here after 12 years, I have faced more problems than I care to mention. I have had to face truths I had known but rather have done without and find out new truths that have left me feeling like my world’s turned upside down. It has been change, change and more change and uncomfortable, uncertain, scary in a bad way change. I’m not very good at handling change. I’d have never admitted this before but I get scared quickly, I tend to get angry when I get scared and then plain disagreeable and annoying to those around me. All this change has left me feeling absolutely terrified to be honest! Change never does announce itself. It just breaks down your door and barges in uninvited.

The worst of it is I lost my faith. I lost the truths I should have held on to tightly. In all the chaos, uncertainty, fear and pain I forgot who holds me in His arms and watches over me. I forgot His promises to me. I forgot that at the end of anything and everything I’ve ever faced in life He had come through and it had been alright. In all my emotions I questioned His love, His mercy, His provision…Why us? Why do we have to go through so much? What did we do wrong? Why? Why? Why? A lot of Why’s tumbled around in my head and I didn’t even really want to hear any answers. I just wanted to yell and scream.

My pain, my fears and anger, which still threaten to overwhelm me now as I type this, had completely and utterly, drained all hope and happiness out of me, I was utterly lost in darkness. A darkness, created and fed by me and yes, a little help from those around me, but mostly me as I chose to dwell on all the negatives in my life and forgot to think about the good things that may have happened due to all the change; the major one being the fact that my life finally has some direction in relation to my future.

So if any lessons are to be learnt from this they would be:

1. In order to ride out the storms of this life you need a strong, sturdy boat. One built on God’s promises, one built with God!

2. What you think will have a major impact on how you see things. If you think negative thoughts, you’ll only notice the negative aspects of a situation.

3. Nothing can overwhelm you unless you allow it to. You seriously and really ARE in control of yourself. You are the conductor in your orchestra made up of emotions, and thoughts mainly. You decide how the music of your life turns out.

4. The easiest thing to do when things get tough is to retreat into yourself and mope. That is also the worst thing you can do. Shutting down is a selfish thing to do. It leaves the people around you, people you love, vulnerable and alone. Yeah, facing your problems is not easy, it’s scary but you have to, otherwise they’ll torment you for a very long time!

5. When change does break down the door and barge in, take it by surprise and embrace it tightly. That should give you the upper hand. Easier said than done, but I guess you have to say it out loud sometimes before you can actually take the step to doing something.

Having said all that I hope I can remember it all and implement it into my life. I’m not going to give up! I’m not going to shut down anymore and I’m definitely not going to ‘not care’! This is my life and I will have a say on how it turns out thank you very much! No circumstance, person or situation will ever take that away from me! Here’s to a brand new attitude with a bright light to banish the darkness within and without! 🙂


1 Comment

  1. Don’t give up hope chica! God’s promise in Deuteronomy 31:6 still holds true today. “…For the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave nor forsake you.” He’s always there. 🙂 I am proud of the steps you are taking to get right with God.

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